My Rebirth — Living With Elizabeth

My favorite quote I learned this year is: It’s not about what happens to you, it’s about what you do with it.

One year ago, my life changed dramatically after what I like to call: a series of unfortunate events. What I didn’t realize at the time, was how much good could come from such a bad thing.

TRIGGER WARNING: ASSAULT/CARJACKING

One year ago, it was on a Wednesday. I remember doing yoga in the morning with a girlfriend, before work. It was set up to be a normal day, a great day even. I got off work late from my serving job and drove home, just like any other night.

However, when I got home from work, after parking directly in front of my own home, I was assaulted and beaten in my own vehicle. I was then forced to drive my attackers around, at gunpoint, while they continually threatened me with my life, eventually leading me to an ATM where they would take all of the money out of my bank account and then leave me beaten and unconscious, robbed, and alone in a dark alley without my car, glasses, cell phone, or money. 6 blocks from my house.

While I could continue to talk more about the gnarly details, I mainly want to talk about what happens after the big T(rauma).

In one year, I have healed tremendously and grown into a version of myself I wouldn’t have recognized before a year ago. I mean sure, that’s what it means for time to pass and to get older, right? Constantly growing and changing and evolving - that’s what it is to be human and to exist. And that’s what I wish for all of us - constant growth and change.

But from my experience, what happens right after a trauma is weird. Time seems to stand still and that’s how you think it will remain, always. You lose sight of what it is to just exist (outside of how you view yourself as a broken shelf of a human) and think that the experience of growing, healing, evolving naturally with time is not only temporarily unachievable, but also just merely impossible.

For a long time, I viewed myself as my trauma. I felt broken, damaged, and alone. This went on for months. I was also tormented with PTSD and had flashbacks and vivid nightmares for months.

However, during this time I went through various therapies, and had so much support from my community, friends, and family. I was able to literally just be broken, allowing space for it to be okay to not be okay. I had the luxury of time to slow down and figure out how to repair the part of me that had been violated and broken (through support of my amazing therapist, family, and friends - I can’t emphasize that enough because I honestly can’t imagine dealing with that shit alone).

It just recently hit me, that unexpectedly and without even realizing it while it was happening, I grew out of that traumatized Elizabeth. Currently living in a state of happiness, minimal to no anxiety or panic attacks, minimal flashbacks (after months of constant panic attacks and random inconvenient flashbacks - this is huge).

I am a healthier person than I’ve been in years. I had been living in a state of depression and apathy for years, with little to no regard for my own physical or mental health. In the last year, I have taken up writing (hello yes, here we are), working out, eating more things that fuel my body rather than drag it down (although don’t get me wrong, I do still enjoy pizza and/or ice cream and/or french fries lol). I have lost 40 pounds this year and feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time. I have taken self work quite seriously in the last year and filled up journals written full of my thoughts, ramblings, self therapy, etc. I started this blog and built a website (proud of myself for this one - I am not a tech wiz lol). I paid off a chunk of my debt. I have a plan to run a half marathon this winter, coming up with a plan to go back to school, pay off all my debt, and move across the country. We’re out here doing big things, y’all.

With all of this being said, I cannot imagine who I would be if that *trauma* hadn’t occurred and literally catapulted my life into chaos, which in turn, directed me straight into this rebirth of Elizabeth. Which has really just been monumental and necessary for my growth and development.

I want to offer comfort, love, and support to anyone reading this who has been through something traumatic. Whatever it may be, whatever happened to you, if you feel alone, empty, like there’s no way up or forward, please know that there is. It will take time and effort, even if just a little effort every once in a while, but one day you will realize you are better. You will feel happy and safe again. You are not your trauma. Give yourself time to be not okay, give yourself grace for where you’re at, and give yourself space to grow from where you are now.

Here’s to celebrating small and large victories and everything in between, here’s to the pain and suffering that allowed me to feel more joy and and more self love, here’s to one year of unbelievable change, reflection, and growth. If you’ve been here along for the ride, thank you for your love and support. It has meant more to me than I could ever describe.

All my love,

xx Elizabeth