Diving into Limiting Beliefs and How Mine Were Ruining My Life
Before we jump into this, I ask you to take a moment and take a brief inventory of your goals/dreams/ambitions. Who are you when you think about what you identify with? What is it you want to do or have always imagined yourself doing? I think most of us have probably had some sort of fantasy of how we envision our lives or careers to play out, even if we’re still just getting into a career. I know I have had some ideas throughout my existence of what I envisioned my life and even career to be like. Okay, so now if you feel like getting wild with me, grab a pen and paper to write these goals or dreams down. Then, write down what your life looks like at this present moment. Are these things the same or similar? Are these things that you value and truly envision for yourself? If not, are you actively working on getting yourself there? There is no wrong answer and it’s more than okay either way, I just want to get you actively thinking about it as we get into this.
So, now that you have your goals or fantasy for your life written down in front of you, let me ask you this: have you ever realized that something you want or believe about yourself may have been unintentionally influenced by the people around you? If yes, then welcome to humanity. I believe most of us, especially those who are not self actualized, at some point in our lives, unintentionally identify with and accept the beliefs that other people tell us… about ourselves.
Are you with me? Okay, let’s get all up into beliefs and tips I have for how to identify and overcome limiting thought patterns.
Since I was quite young, I assumed I had to do what everyone else does. By this I mean, go to a great college, fall into a stable, well paying career where I’ll work for 40 years and then retire. But what I truly wanted more than anything and what I fantasized about, was working for myself in some way, while traveling around this beautiful planet. At some point in my life, which was so inconsequential I didn’t even notice it happening at the time, someone invalidated my goals and dreams, which eventually led to my sense of self-worth being diminished. All it took was someone to passively laugh at me, tell me my passions were silly, or in some form or another lead me to believe setting goals that seemed different weren’t realistic or achievable, for whatever reason. I then inadvertently adapted to THEIR beliefs (about my capability), ridding myself of my own true self beliefs. This created limiting beliefs in myself that I could not achieve what I really wanted, all based from fear that I would not or could not succeed because my dreams were insignificant or too far fetched. I allowed myself to lower my own standards and goals to meet the ideals that were more comfortable to those around me, without even realizing I was self sabotaging myself and my future.
Limiting beliefs come from our own experiences, like failure, and also from people in the world around us. But here’s the thing to remember, there is no book for “how to be a perfect functioning human being”. Well, actually, there very well may be; if there is, please someone let me know ASAP. Anyhow, I’m going to guess that most of us do not have free and accessible information to teach us early on how to make it through this rodeo unscathed.
(it’s definitely not free, but that’s what I use therapy for)
At the end of summer in 2019, I attended a personal development type of workshop. If I had ever questioned whether God/Spirit/the Universe/Source Energy (literally WHATEVER you choose to call it) had my back, then this workshop was the thing that reminded me that everything in this life is so divine. The workshop, plus the deep soul healing and self actualization that followed, could not have come at a more needed time in my life. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. This was the result of going through a pretty rough trauma a couple of months prior, which left me in a very rough place, mentally. I had been feeling pretty helpless up until this point, trying to figure out the heavy question I am sure many of us experience more often than we would like to admit. This was the question of, “what’s next?”.
Whether you’re overcoming trauma, life hiccups of any kind, or just feeling a little stuck in your daily routine, I realized it was not only okay, but also really quite normal to feel that way.
In the workshop, I assessed everything about myself. What I uncovered was my true self via an extremely emotionally exhausting journey. By my “true self”, basically what I mean is that I uncovered years of mistruths which I had been telling myself, ABOUT myself throughout my existence for as long as I can remember. These false realities, or beliefs, were being formed from little bits of input from different people I had encountered (and mainstream media) in the world around me. Some things I learned about myself included learning I had deep rooted fears of failure, which were prohibiting me from actually being successful by not taking any leaps or making changes especially with schooling, my career, and where I wanted to live. Among other things, I also identified feelings of worthlessness and emotional abandonment trauma which, even though I didn’t consciously realize this at the time, had actually led me to believe I was incapable of being loved.
I had gotten to a point where I wasn’t even going down the typical career path I thought I was supposed to do, or needed to do, nor was I putting anything towards working for myself (remember, that’s the dream I originally had for my life), I wasn’t doing any of it. I had been stuck in a comfortable middle ground, all because I had developed these crippling ideas and beliefs about who I am and what my life should be and this overwhelming idea of failure, which had totally debilitated me.
The thing is, I had a pretty great childhood/upbringing. I was extremely loved, cared for, supported, and always had a safe space - which I feel lucky to have had and am eternally grateful for. My point is, you can have a mostly normal, safe, loving upbringing and still have an experience where you are creating debilitating, self limiting beliefs.
Growing up, I wasn’t magically equipped with the tools (like most of us I’m sure) I needed in order to not let the opinions of others, many of which I trust and love, dictate who I was meant to be or how successful I would be. I naively assumed the people around me truly KNEW what I was capable of achieving and also, that they knew best, for me. I’m not at all saying you should never listen to what others tell you or have to say; there is a strong difference between taking note of someone’s opinion about your life based on their own life experience versus actually adopting a way of thinking and living based on what someone else believes or says you should do. I fell trap to the latter, and I had placed my own worth in the eyes and approval of others.
What I learned not only in that workshop I attended, but also just throughout the last year of my life, is that most (non self actualized) people go through life in a constant state of projection. As humans, we tend to deflect and project our own fears, failures, and insecurities onto others as a sort of defense mechanism. Whether someone is aware of it or not, if they are telling you that you cannot succeed, that you are not good enough, or whatever sort of potentially damaging idea they are telling you, it is because of their own feelings of unworthiness, fears, or regrets; whether that be a fear of failing something in the future, or regret due to their own actual experience failing literally anything in the past. Keep in mind, these people are probably sailing through life unaware, living comfortably uncomfortable in their unconscious auto-pilot mode. They more than likely genuinely think they are doing you a favor, from a place of love or concern and believe they are helping you out by unintentionally projecting onto you. But once you become aware of these behaviors and patterns in others, it’s now on you to put up boundaries and tell yourself you will no longer accept what people essentially tell you what they believe will be your fate.
Here are a handful of things that I have used that may be helpful with identifying and throwing out these beliefs that are not serving our higher self and adapting new beliefs that suit our highest self:
Identify beliefs by examining your life, what you want, what your patterns are, what makes you happy, what you value, etc.
If something triggers you - examine that closer!!! Being triggered is helpful because it’s an invitation to find a source of pain that we can work on and then move through
Figure out if that belief is something you adopted somewhere because someone gave you feedback or fed you ideas which made you *believe* that said thing about yourself
Identify what your source of pain or hurt is and work to trace that feeling to the source of it
E.g. my professor told me I’m a terrible writer so I never took another writing class, even though I want to be a writer and thought I was good at it. I’m missing out on my potential because I am afraid I am not good at something, therefore I will not succeed.
E.g. my boyfriend cheated on me and told me it was because I didn’t give him enough attention so now whenever someone hurts me I believe it’s my fault and that I deserve it.
Healing: after you have identified the source, give yourself positive feedback to replace limiting beliefs like, “I enjoy writing so I am going to keep practicing and work hard to write a book” or “My partner’s infidelity has less to do with me and more to do with their own issues with commitment, self love, and respect”.
Practice mindfulness, or self awareness
Learn more about who you really are. Wake your conscious mind and practice getting out of your unconscious, safe and familiar headspace. Often we are too unaware to notice a behavior or habit isn’t good for us, but we keep doing it because it’s familiar and the unconscious loves familiarity and the comfort of knowing. Once we work through that, we tend to feel liberated and free in the unknown because that’s where possibility lies.
Separate the things you feel like you should do, from the things you truly want to do
Make sure the things you want to do are real (not just temporary satisfaction) by connecting them to what will make your soul happy and serve your highest self
Once you’re breaking down those old beliefs and patterns, begin happily working towards what you truly want without worrying about what anyone else is going to think or say ❤
I want to emphasize one last thing that is important to know and remember: when people say things to me that are potentially harmful to my mental health, as simple as it may seem, it’s empowering when I remind myself that I get to decide whether or not I accept the things they’re saying. I try to remember to hear that whatever they’re saying is coming from a place of love, but it’s up to me with what I will do with that. Like letting it go right on by me without taking it to heart. The thing about other people telling me what I should or should not do boils down to this: nobody knows me like I know me. Nobody knows my capability like I know my capability. Nobody else knows what I can and will achieve when I set my mind to it. In fact, I think we can achieve quite a lot more than we think we can, when we actually move all of our energy into making the thing happen, instead of the fear of what might happen if we do the thing. Or better yet, the fear of what will happen to us if we don’t.
I hope you find these tips and information helpful in some way or another. For me, this journey has been so liberating and I wanted to share this, with the hopes it could prompt someone else to enter onto this healing road.
If you want to talk more about this topic and would like a safe place to work through some thoughts, email me and let’s talk it out.
All my love,
Elizabeth